There is a magical drink here in the United Kingdom. Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible to find in the States. Trust me, I’ve tried. Multiple times. But this drink? It has powers that rival butterbeer and miruvor. It’s even stronger than Ent-draught.
When trying to describe this drink, it is best to speak of it in hushed tones of reverence, with the kind of intensity that an actor delivers a Hamlet soliloquy when he’s trying to be different and edgy. If you can affect a Scottish accent, all the better. But not too Scottish, mind you, because then you’ll sound like an idiot. Still, for proper authenticity, some kind of non-American speech pattern is preferred.*
Some may dismiss it as merely “pop,” or they may even use the far more derogatory term “soda.”** While it does broadly belong to this category, this drink is no mere “pop.” It has a much nobler calling, designed to appeal to your inner five year old in a way that a Diet Coke simply cannot.
Describing the taste of such miracle beverage sent from the Scottish gods is a difficult task. While the color*** is orange, that fruit only is only a top note on the palate. Most commonly, it is compared to bubblegum. I would like to propose a new comparison, however. When you think of this amazing Wonder of the World before you have had the pleasure of enjoying it, I want you to imagine Mountain Dew with injections of orange dye and so much sugar an elephant would find itself jumping off the walls.
This enchanted nectar is none other than Irn Bru****, my friends, and it sold at both Poundland and Boots. Hurry to get it before I clean out both stores’ stocks.
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*I actually don’t have a lot of Scottish friends that are enamored with this drink as I am, but in this, I respectfully disagree.
**See also the so-called “Coke” and “fizzy juice” concepts, which are simply linguistically awkward.
***Or “colour” if we are keeping up the ruse of the Scottish accent as we should be.
****This is where the Scottish accent really pays off, what with the conspicuous lack of vowels.